ballad of a never fangirl

did I miss out on a critical stage of life ?

I was out at a bar on the Lower East Side last night. It was one of those nights where we had no destination until we did. We settled in at a bar I had never been to before on Allen street; a friend of a friend of a friend was hosting some sort of event that didn’t really seem like anything but a good time.

The dj was bumping pop hits from about 12 years ago, the kind of stuff that when I heard it in middle school I’d envision myself exactly how I was last night; 25, living in the city, dancing with my friends. He played the hits, Clarity by Zedd, Everytime We Touch by Cascada.

It’s important to note that no one ELSE was dancing. They were swaying slightly, maybe doing a little shuffle of the feet, but I was dancing. I was getting down. Can you blame me? Pop hits I haven’t heard in years? I’m working up a sweat.

For the record, I don’t really care¹ who’s looking at me, who can hear what I’m saying or who thinks my new shirt with baby cherubs on it is creepy. However, when Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj’s club banger “Beauty and a Beat” echoed onto the dance floor, I was reminded of one era of my life where I wish I acted more like everyone else.

It was 2010; the year of One Direction.

Fangirl, n. or v., - the girl herself who is that of an extremely devoted fan, or the sheer act of the obsessing over the thing (usually a 20 year old pop star, usually male.) This is legitimate cultural phenomena, it’s studied by scholars, and it’s shaping the lives of young girls everywhere.²

When I was in middle school, we were navigating some of the biggest fandoms of all time. In 2009: “Baby” by Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris comes out. The girls at school split into two factions; “beliebers” and others. 2010: The One Direction boom, like I mentioned above. 2011: I start going to my classmates’ bar mitzvahs and realizing that I do not have an opinion on 5 Seconds of Summer and who were they, anyways? Should I know? Oh my god, SHOULD I KNOW?!

I’ve been reflecting on this a lot; The Jonas Brothers are back on tour. Harry Styles did a residency at Madison Square Garden. Everyone’s back bonding over who they once loved as a preteen, laughing at themselves for ever thinking they, at age 12, with multicolored braces and a coin purse, had a shot with a celebrity. Whenever this comes up now, I still feel like I have nothing to contribute to that conversation. I am immediately transported back to the feeling of being excluded at the lunch table. I didn’t run a One Direction twitter account, I had no poster of Joe Jonas on my wall.

Was I uninterested? Did I really think Justin Bieber wasn’t hot? I might have just been a late bloomer. I remember going to see the New Moon movie with a friend and taking pictures of the screen when Jacob had no shirt on just to fit in, to masquerade as one of them. I am pretty sure I went home after that and felt some weird sense of guilt - not because of the slew of soft-core erotica on my iPhone 3G, but because I remember those FBI warnings they’d show at the beginning of movies and I thought I was going to get in trouble for piracy.

I know I was far from the only girl to feel excluded, or lonely, or out of the loop during middle school. That time itself is precarious; we’re dreaming about finally becoming women, stressing over what everyone else is doing, navigating angst and deep feelings, realizing you were born into a world that looks at you as lesser than its male counterparts. It’s a critical time for growth and development, where those essential female friendships plant their roots down. Even though I have strong relationships with tons of incredible women, I can’t help but feel as though I missed out on something critical, that if I had been a fangirl, maybe my relationships might be stronger? Maybe it’s the bond over shared embarrassment when you both say “holy shit I can’t believe I ever thought someone from a boy band would fall in love with me.”

A big part of me wishes I had that sisterhood. I wish that I had been a little bit easier on myself as a preteen and allowed myself the simple pleasure of having a crush on Taylor Lautner. It was probably way more fun than whatever I was thinking about. I definitely like to do my own thing, but sometimes it’s better to join in on the fun.

^ Why couldn’t this girl just relax and enjoy a celebrity crush!?!

One thing is for sure; no matter where I am, if Beauty and a Beat comes on - you’ll catch me tearing up the dance floor AND keeping an eye out for selener.

1. don’t care can sometimes mean I am oblivious to

2. I did about 2 minutes of research on this but I have to believe it started with The Beatles and grew from there.