lemme get a coffee
this is satire and enjoy it as such.
Hi everyone ❤️
What they say is true. April showers bring May flowers. The rain is gray and the skies are dark but there is so much to be thrilled about, like ALL the love I got during my 5 day challenge. You are so kind and supportive, and are all the best people in the entire world. I’m so lucky to have you here.
For about nine years of my adult life, I’ve been slinging coffee in one way or another. As a barista, mostly, but also as a roommate, a girlfriend, a hostess. When I make coffee for others to enjoy, my heart swells. Nothing can beat that. Coffee has shaped one of the biggest perspectives of my life; the little things will add up to complete the big things.
Enjoy my guide to “coffee tiers” - please don’t take it seriously.
Tier 1: Coffee or no coffee?
This is your no frills coffee, simple at its core. For a coffee to fall into Tier 1, it’s not the choice of what coffee you’re having, it’s whether or not you’re going to have it. You might find Tier 1 coffee at your hotel’s continental breakfast. It’s available. You’re going to drink it because you need it. Sometimes Tier 1 coffee is free, but it doesn’t have to be. This can be coffee you buy from a gas station on a long drive home because nothing else is open. Coffee that comes from the Keurig in your office is Tier 1. It’s not your first choice, it’s probably not that good, but it’s there for your drinking pleasure if and when you would like to have it.
If you’re trying to determine whether or not a certain place falls into a Tier 1 establishment, you must first decide if coffee is its main focus. For example, if you’re waiting for an important finance appointment at a bank and someone asks if you’d like a cup of coffee while you wait, that’s Tier 1. A bank is not a coffee shop. A gas station is not a coffee shop. A hotel is not a coffee shop. Nine times out of ten, the person who is giving you a Tier 1 coffee isn’t someone who works in food service.
Tier 2: Iced or Hot?
There is a love letter to NYC bodegas somewhere on substack - this is not that. Tiers are only focused on the coffee itself.
A Tier 2 coffee can come from the deli or the bodega. Sometimes it can come from a stall in a farmers market, as long as the only options you have is hot or iced. A cappuccino, latte or espresso can be considered a Tier 2 coffee if it came from a machine where all you had to do was push a button. This means that yes, the cappuccino from the machine at the ice rink where you’re watching your nephew’s hockey game is a Tier 2 coffee.
For an establishment to be considered Tier 2, you are offered at least one choice of iced or hot. A Tier 2 establishment will have a pastries wrapped in plastic; they might even have egg sandwiches. However, the coffee that comes into play has to be quick, simple and more affordable than your average coffee shop. The deli and the bodega are Tier 2 establishments. They sell coffee. Is it the main revenue driver? Probably not. The staff is in there to make sandwiches, stock fridges, and also make coffee. The distinction here is that it’s not their main focus and you would be silly for thinking it was.
Tier 3: What kind of milk?
When you think of your average third-wave coffee shop, almost all signs point to Tier 3. Most of the coffee we splurge on boils down to this. You’re presented with options, it’s a choose-your-own-adventure to craft your coffee. Maybe it’s not even coffee you’ll pick; maybe it’s hot chocolate or a chai latte or a matcha. It doesn’t matter. At a Tier 3 coffee shop, you can get it all.
A cold brew is a Tier 3 coffee. Making cold brew requires equipment that a hot or iced coffee does not and therefore places it into a different category. Many tier 3 locations have a pastry case with handwritten labels. The staff is probably mainly baristas making drinks. Sure, there might also be breakfast, but the coffee here is usually better than your bacon, egg and cheese would be. The prices are higher, the sizes are smaller, but the opportunities are endless and the coffee is probably going to hit the spot.
Tier 3 coffees come from an espresso machine that requires weighing, tamping and pulling. At a Tier 3 establishment, there will be a menu posted somewhere due to all the choices. There has to be a menu.
Tier 4: Pour Over?
If you can order a pour over from a list of single-origin coffees, you are in a Tier 4 establishment. This is where Big Coffee has gotten TOO BIG! The staff speaks at half a decibel and the coffee is the size of my big toe. While a third tier coffee shop feels safe, a fourth tier can be off putting, even scary. The barista is a DJ. Are you wearing athleisure? GTFO.
Tier 5: Can you get 50% off with your Capital One credit card?
If you answered yes, congratulations. You are at the Capital One Cafe. You’ve entered the ninth circle of heaven.
Some quick notes before I sign off.
Nothing in this says anything about your favorite place. Keep going there. I will support you in any endeavor to get your coffee fix.
You should support local establishments if you can.
Hit my line for recs
This is a joke.