"I SAID" 07: i am choosing peace 💌
I'm having a little bit of everything
I appreciate you not unsubscribing from this. It’s been a bit since I felt like I had time to sit down and write. Honestly, the past few months, I’ve really scoffed at reading and writing and journaling; I much preferred to do nothing. I feel better being back, and while I won’t make promises I can’t keep, I will say it feels therapeutic to be typing on this light green background once again.
The difference between today and yesterday is pretty hilarious. Yesterday, I was given some disappointing news. Nothing earth shattering, but I did not get something I really wanted. I manifested; I believed. I tried to make it mine. I told people about it - a lot of people, actually. But I still didn’t get it. It was not the path for me. It was not my destiny. I was telling myself these things because it’s better than being sad about it.
Today, however, I received some pretty good news. Something else I really wanted, that I didn’t think was my destiny. Something that quite honestly, is probably the better of the two options. Something that is going to propel me to the creative future I have always wanted for myself.
This is somewhat of a journal entry I wrote between yesterday and today. I am sharing it with you because it’s a humbling reminder of the good and the bad, the yin and the yang, if you will. I don’t like to share my journal entries here very often, but I do think this is a relatable one.
Yesterday, 2/18
Something I’ve noticed about being a woman is that when you’re in a bad mood, everyone’s like, “why are you in a bad mood?” But when men are in a bad mood, you need to leave them alone give them space. Women have to answer for their bad moods. They have to give a reason why they’re upset. Has anyone ever allowed a woman to simply just “be” in her bad mood?
I think I’m suffering from seasonal depression. This bad mood has lingered for weeks. I don’t really think there’s one solid reason why, I just think I’m in a bad mood. We’ve had like 10 arctic freezes in NYC, I live far away from some of my friends, my bank account just keeps dwindling no matter how good of a job I think I’m doing at saving money.
I am on day 5 of the flu. I feel better today than I have all week, but I still sound like shit. Receiving bad news during your flu incubation period fucking sucks. And I keep telling myself I should be grateful for universal things. But two things can be true: I can be grateful to have food in my fridge, heat in my apartment and a job that pays me. I can feel fortunate to have warm clothes, a safe place to sleep and a slew of people in my life who love me and still be in a bad mood.
I am beating myself up because I haven’t written in months. I am sick. I’m coughing all over my boyfriend and feel incredibly ugly and cold. Everything has felt hard; the words are sticky and my skin is dry and looking at a different screen after I spent the entire day staring at a separate one feels like a chore. I wish it didn’t. As a creative person, as someone who genuinely might genuinely try to write some sketches and dance on stage and play different characters this year, writing feels hard. Existing feels hard! That makes me nervous.
Here I go again, on my soapbox. How do you say you’re not using social media without ~announcing~ that you’ve been off social media? It’s such a loaded phenomenon - you try to better yourself by deleting the timesuck apps but then you have to tell people about it so they’re not like “where are you? why didn’t you answer me?”
I am now realizing that maybe I just feel so much pressure to be a good friend to everyone all the time and be engaged in their lives? So much so that it’s making me feel overwhelmed? Isn’t it stressful that you need to answer for most things in your life? Can’t I just not go on Instagram? This goes in tandem with why I deleted so many people off find my friends recently. (Please do not feel offended by this if you were affected) You don’t need to know where I am. Have you ever opened your phone and thought to yourself, “better check where Victoria Patti is right now!” NO! YOU HAVEN’T! And if you have, I’m truly begging. Just text me. Ask where I am. Stop being weird.
I wish I didn’t feel so much pressure. I wish I felt more relaxed. I wish I took bad news in stride. I don’t, though. I really don’t. I have never handled stress well and quite honestly, I am pretty beat down by everything going on in the world. That’s the perfect phrase. Today, I feel beat down. I feel like I’m losing.
I am disappointed. But I’m trying to move forward. Because what’s the alternative? Frustration? Anger? Rage? None of those emotions will serve me. So I am going to choose peace. I’m choosing to focus on the things that make me happy and one of those things is writing little musings on my work laptop and watching critically acclaimed tv shows.
Today, 2/19
I got into conservatory today. Nothing else matters. Today rocked. I am on a cloud. I got grocery store sushi for lunch and I listened to Homeward Bound by Simon & Garfunkel on repeat. I am finally feeling a little better from the flu. I think my bad mood is over. I am going to Disney World on Friday. I am running the half marathon. I got into conservatory today.
Everyone at work was really happy for me. I read the email in front of my coworkers and they all celebrated with me. People that I talk shit about on the regular were happy for me. It made me regret ever being frustrated with them. I promise I love you guys and I appreciate your sentiment (if anyone ever stumbles upon this.)
Ellie and Amelia also got in and we’re all in the Monday class together. Everyone got in together. We’re going to make sketches and film them and make people laugh. I’m going to walk around the space. I’m going to be grateful and I’m going to grow and I’m going to learn. And my bank account might be empty and my dinner might be unhealthy and I might not work out tonight but I am happy. My creative journey is starting. I am surrounded by people who believe in me. I feel so grateful. I am happy.
happy songs I’m listening to
The title of this playlist is a lyric from the Phoenix song “Telefono” off their 2017 album “Ti Amo.”
It loosely translates to mean pissed off, but in love. I mostly like how it sounds, but it felt appropriate as a playlist I was listening to with the dichotomy of these journal entries. Phoenix is one of those bands I keep coming back to. I love how they sing in multiple languages.
Innamorato agitato